JB Brooks: The Ins and Outs of Pervertables

This entry is part 23 of 39 in the series Kinky Girl Take Over

Giveaway Alert!  Lea Griffith is still running her release day giveawayEden Bradley has her Dangerously Bound contestyou can still win a prize from Shelley Munro from yesterdayStacey Kennedy wants to know about your panties for a prizeHolley Trent has an O For Two and Joey W. Hill is running a contest from yesterday still. Don’t miss these!

Pervertables (everyday items that are perverted from their original purposes to new erotic uses), are a hot topic at the moment. If you search the internet, you’ll find lots of advice on how to stock up with bondage goodies at the local hardware shop—rope, cable ties and duct tape, dowel sticks for caning—the possibilities are endless. You’ll read how clothes pegs can be used as nipple clamps, and hair brushes and table tennis paddles for spanking. There are instructions on how to make your own spreader bars and floggers. But there’s not much written about my favorite type—insertable pervertables.

Massage With Happy Ending_JPG
See below for blurb

The characters in my upcoming release, Massage With Happy Ending (available 30 July 2014), love toys—both purpose made and improvised ones, and are very creative about how they use them. The results? Panty-incinerating kinky sex scenes!

So what’s it all about anyway, this insertable pervertable thing?

It’s nothing new. Chances are you’ve already done it yourself! Before you handed in your v-card, did you ever penetrate yourself with lip-gloss tubes, mascara wands or applicator tampons when you masturbated? It felt so good to slide something hard inside and fantasize about doing it with a real guy one day.

Have you ever raided the fridge on a lonely Sunday night, hoping to find English cucumbers or big, knobby carrots, the colder the better?

And we’ve all let our lovers diddle us in the dining room with the handle of the soup ladle, cream us in the kitchen with the top of a wine bottle and play doctor in the den with the smooth plastic salad tongs. Mmmm…

Insertable pervertables can be the best fun you’ll ever have, but as with all good things, there are some safety considerations to keep in mind. Most of them are good old common sense, but let’s face it—we’re not at our rational and logical best when we’re crazy with lust and teetering on the brink of orgasm.

A bit of thought and forward planning can come in handy when things get hot, so here are some of my insertable pervertable guidelines to get you started:

 Avoid sharp edges and rough surfaces:

Unless you’re specifically in to that type of thing (and thus know more about it than I do), you don’t want to end up hurt or bleeding…or with splinters! Even if an object appears smooth, double check by running your fingers over it. Or licking it. Or rubbing it between your boobs. Whatever turns you on is fine but make sure you check.

Clean, clean and clean again:

That’s right. Hot water. Anti-bacterial soap. Lots of rubbing and scrubbing before and after. Don’t be lazy about this, you don’t want to get an infection. You can use commercial toy cleaner on many items, if you have it. Make sure your pervertables are properly dry before you pack them away.

Condoms are king:

If you just can’t resist riding the rolling pin, banging the baseball bat or sliding down the walking stick with the knobby end, roll a condom on to it! Wood is porous and cannot be cleaned hygienically, so protect yourself. Beware of other permeable materials, and remember that varnished or painted wood is also not hygienic—and the paint contains harmful chemicals. If in doubt, condomize!

Jared's Virginity_JPG
See below for blurb

Use some oral sense:

If you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, or at least be willing to lick or suck it, then you have no business putting it anywhere else.

Don’t use anything that can break:

I have a friend who let her fiancé fuck her with a champagne flute at a party. After she told me about it, I had nightmares for weeks. She was so lucky it didn’t break, but it could have led to a nasty trip to the emergency room.

You deserve quality:

Don’t use anything that is broken, or about to break. Cheap plastics and metals can degrade with repeated use and cleaning, and are also more likely to break under pressure. Wherever possible, choose cooking-grade plastics and silicones that can withstand high temperatures, and good quality metals like stainless steel and surgical steel. If you’re not sure, put a condom on it.

Know your allergies:

I have a digit-loving friend who swears that fingering is more fun when her partner slips on a pair of medical examination gloves before telling her to put her “feets in zee stirrups” in a bad-imitation accent. She learned the hard way that she’s allergic to latex. Fortunately, gloves, condoms, sex toys and many other things are available in latex-free options. Beware of using metal pervertables that might contain nickel. If you experience unusual discomfort after using certain insertables, consider that they might be causing an allergic reaction.

Gotta love disposables:

Disposable syringes (without the needles, please!!) are great for squirting lube exactly where you want it. Check your local pharmacy for other interesting disposable supplies—gloves, tongue depressors, speculums and much more.

What goes in must come out:

Yeah, and when it comes out, you’re often really sensitive from lots of playing and orgasms. Suddenly that candlestick with the fist-sized base seems less of an exciting challenge and more oh-hell-why-did-I-do-that? Learn to think ahead.

Make sure your partner knows the rules:

When he or she has you blindfolded and tied to the bed, you need to trust that your partner knows what’s safe, hygienic and acceptable to you, so you can relax and enjoy the amazing sensation of being penetrated by different objects without any concerns. Open and honest communication will ensure a memorable experience for both of you.

Your Ass is Special:

You have to be extra careful if you want to use insertable pervertables in your ass. All of the above rules apply, and some other special ones just for asses:

Do not insert objects without “bases” into your ass, or if you do, make sure you hang onto them all the time. Things can disappear up there. Most will come out again as nature follows its course, but some might require an embarrassing visit to the doctor. Either way, you’ll suffer untold stress!

Use loads of lubricant. This cannot be overemphasized. Even small objects can hurt if you don’t take the time to lube up.

Start small and go slow, especially if you’re a beginner. The vagina is stretchy, the ass is not. You know the drill.

With a bit of thought and care, insertable pervertables can provide you with hours of good, dirty fun. To show you how easy it is, I had a pervertable dash just before finishing this blog post, to see how many pervertables I could gather in under three minutes. Here’s a photo of the results…and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play!


Massage With Happy Ending and Jared’s Virginity are releasing on 30 July 2014. For two weeks only, until 12 August, they are available as a special BONUS GIVEAWAY – Buy Massage With Happy Ending and get the prequel Jared’s Virginity for free. Comment NOW to win a copy of either Compulsion or Reunion Submission.

Available now for pre-order:

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Jareds-Virginity-Massage-Happy-Ending-ebook/dp/B00KW9J71W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1402490833&sr=8-1&keywords=Jared%27s+Virginity+%2B+Massage+With+Happy+Ending

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/jareds-virginity-massage-with-happy-ending-jb-brooks/1119709755?ean=9781419992827

Or add it to your wish list at Ellora’s Cave: http://www.ellorascave.com/jared-s-virginity-massage-with-happy-ending-bonus-giveaway.html

Don’t miss this great opportunity to enjoy two brand new releases for the price of one!

Massage With Happy Ending:


Lolly doesn’t regret her decision to impersonate a sex worker while researching a magazine article. But when she runs into her sexy “customer” again at an island resort, the situation gets too hot to handle.

Jared likes his sex kinky and his women curvy. Left wanting more after his encounter with the Rubenesque Lolly, he makes her a scorching offer when he sees her again unexpectedly—four nights of BDSM sex and surprises for four thousand dollars. Lolly wants to tell him the truth but fears he’ll rescind his offer if he finds out she’s not a professional. But when business turns to more than pleasure, both end up with more than they bargained for.

A Romantica® contemporary erotic romance from Ellora’s Cave



“I need to get us some things to play with. I won’t be long. You just enjoy the view for a few minutes.”

I ground my teeth as his footsteps retreated into the room. My juices were trickling down my thighs, cool in the night air, and my pussy was clenching and throbbing with anticipation. Damn him for being such a bloody tease.

True to his word he wasn’t gone for more than a few minutes. I twisted my head around to try to see what he’d brought but he put whatever it was on the table and blocked my line of view with his body.

“Don’t peep, Lolly. I want to surprise you. Keep looking out into the gardens.”

I sighed and faced forward again. To my surprise and consternation I heard him sit down at the table, which wasn’t within touching distance.

“What are you doing?” I tried to keep the edge of impatience out of my voice.

“Just admiring the view.” From his suggestive tone I knew he was referring to the view of my naked ass, and I bit my lip to prevent myself from begging him to touch me. The anticipation was becoming torturous.

Another couple strolled into view below me. I seized on the distraction recklessly and called a greeting to them, managing to lift my hand off the rail a little and wave. They hadn’t noticed me and they stopped and looked up in surprise.

“Hi,” called the man. “Beautiful evening, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s great,” I answered, and as the words left my mouth something hard nudged at the lips of my pussy. I jumped, shock coursing through my body at the unexpected touch.

“Are you coming to the barbecue at the beachfront?” asked the young woman. “It’s going to be amazing tonight.”

My mouth gaped silently. The hard thing probed for, and found, the opening to my channel. Jared hadn’t moved from his chair, so what the bloody hell was it?

“Er… Umm… I’m not sure,” I stuttered, fighting the overwhelming urge to try to look behind me. The object pressed more firmly and began to penetrate me. I tried to close my legs and jerked against my bonds. Oh my god!

“There’s gonna be live music and dancing on the beach,” the woman continued.

“And a seafood buffet,” added the man. They looked at me expectantly and I stared back, my mind a complete blank, every scrap of my attention homed in on the rigid length that was twisting and worming its way deep into my cunt. The silence became awkward.

“Well, we’d best be on our way,” said the man uncomfortably. “It’s starting now. See ya.”

“See ya,” I echoed weakly with another halfhearted wave. They hurried away down the path.

“That wasn’t very polite, Lolly,” taunted Jared.

Copyright © 2014 JB Brooks. All rights reserved, Ellora’s Cave Publishing

Jared’s Virginity:


Not all virgins are innocent.

After the death of his twin, Jared’s life falls apart and it seems nothing can reach him. Then he spies a mysterious woman pleasuring herself and obsession replaces depression. Surprisingly she seems to enjoy his voyeurism but makes no move to take things further. Prodded on by a raging lust for the unattainable beauty, Jared devises a strategy to make her his. If he succeeds he will never be the same again…because the first time changes everything.

Inside Scoop: This story takes place twelve years before the events of Massage With Happy Ending. While the books can be enjoyed separately, to get the full story, reading both is recommended.

An EC for Men® contemporary erotic romance from Ellora’s Cave


At the far end of the oval there was a gate in the fence. It had a chain and padlock holding it closed but the padlock was never snapped shut, so Jared unhooked it, passed through and put the chain back. Then he turned and followed the path.

He was in a green alley between the backs of two rows of houses that bordered the school grounds. The alley widened as he progressed along the path until it opened out into a rectangular park. A tiny stream ran along the middle of the rectangle and the whole area looked slightly unkempt. Jared loved it, with its droopy trees, shaggy grass and the rattling clumps of reeds along the stream. The houses that lined the park had doors in their back fences so that the residents could come out to walk their dogs or watch their children play. Only the people who lived there used it, so it was very private.

There was a bench under one of the trees. As always Jared was drawn to it and went to sit down even though he should have been hurrying home to beat the rain. At this hour of the evening, with the threatening storm darkening the air, the park was empty. He looked around and imagined for a few moments that he lived in one of the pleasant houses that bordered the little green haven. It was so peaceful.

He sighed and slipped his hand into his backpack, next to him on the seat. His fingers closed around his notebook and he pulled it out. He flipped to the page that got him in trouble earlier that morning.

Mr. Hadrian had caught him dreaming and doodling in his math lesson. He studied the doodle. It was large and intricate, done in black pen, and covered half a page. At first glance it looked like a random mess of swirls and scribbles but concealed in the chaos was a picture of a woman’s cunt.

He hadn’t intended to draw it—not at all. The doodle had started out as a couple of ovals and some curved, bracket-like lines around them, but then his imagination had been triggered. He enlarged and embellished, adding extra lines to represent the clit and the inner labia, scribbling in pubic hair and a little asterisk to represent the puckered anus below. He drew streams of ejaculate dripping from the cunt’s lips and then on a whimsy he sketched a rocket launcher and a rocket, complete with flaring jets, aiming at the vaginal opening. He filled in the surrounding spaces with random shapes and swirls.

Jared would have bet good money that nobody else in the world would be able to discern what the picture was—it was impossible to see it in the tumult of ink on the page. But when Mr. Hadrian stopped next to his desk and looked down, the perverted bastard knew what it was immediately. He marched Jared off to the principal’s office. Poor Dr. Herbert was unconvinced—all he could see was a conglomeration of shapes and squiggles—but Mr. Hadrian was insistent and Jared didn’t deny it, so detention was meted out.

A single drop of rain landed on his notebook with a heavy splash and the thunder rumbled but Jared remained sitting on the bench. He tipped his head back, hoping to feel cool raindrops on his face, but no more fell. The clouds weren’t ready to part with their bounty yet.

It grew darker as he sat under the tree, and lights blinked on in the surrounding houses.

When it was almost dark he got up reluctantly, slung his pack over his shoulders and walked slowly toward the far end of the park. The gradient sloped from right to left and on the low side he could see over the fences into the gardens and houses. Through the brightly lit windows he caught intriguing glimpses of rooms and people—mothers preparing meals, kids doing their homework or watching TV, a man sitting behind his computer at his desk—all getting on with their lives and oblivious to him as he passed slowly by in the shadows outside.

Then he saw something that stopped him in his tracks. He was peering through the branches of some trees into a bedroom, furnished in white and lit with golden down lights. A wide bed was positioned against the opposite wall so that the window framed it as if it were on stage. On the bed was a naked woman. Her hair was loose, flowing off the side of the bed in a dark-red wave, and her legs were spread wide.

Copyright © 2014 JB Brooks. All rights reserved, Ellora’s Cave Publishing


Craving something different? JB writes gasping-hot erotic fiction for readers who hunger for extraordinary passion every day. Sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, her creations are passionate and earthy.

A survivor of the corporate world, JB spent twenty years in the IT industry, from which she finally escaped, allowing her to indulge her true passion…creating unusual erotic encounters for her imaginary friends!

JB is an ex-South African and lives with her extended family in Queensland, Australia’s sunshine state. She feels privileged to coexist, in relative peace and harmony, with her husband, daughter, parents, grandmother and two slightly crazy ex-racehorses. She loves to write – anytime, anywhere – and could not survive without the techno-gadgets which make this possible.

JB is a firm believer in lust at first sight, and love ever after.


Website: http://www.jbbrooksbooks.com/

Ellora’s Cave Author Page: https://www.ellorascave.com/index.php/authors/index/author/slug/jb-brooks/

Facebook Author Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/JB-Brooks-Author-Page/369285716508052

Facebook Profile: https://www.facebook.com/jb.brooks.33

Twitter: https://twitter.com/JbbrooksbooksJB , @jbbrooksbooksJB


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4 thoughts on “JB Brooks: The Ins and Outs of Pervertables

  1. JB Brooks says:

    Hey Sidney, thanks for hosting me on your blog, and for organizing this amazing Kinky Girls Take Over Event. It’s always fantastic to chat to like-minded people about the topics we love, and I’ve enjoyed every second so far. What great blogs!

  2. Pansy Petal says:

    What an amazingly informative article. Thank you. Some wonderful information to keep in mind. AND some lovely books to look forward to. I have this book marked and tagged so I don’t miss the bargain. I do love bargains! 😉 In the mean time – I need to go read now.

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